Roominations

Completely off topic this (in that this post is going to make scanty reference to it being the first day of 2009 and all that "New Year Resolution" kind of jazz)...

Whilst sitting monged in front of the telly during this festive holiday I recall hearing some news that both filled me with despair and inspiration. Well, inspiration of sorts.

Apparently Davina McCall has been quoted as saying that she believes that Big Brother can "run and run and run". I.e. Forever. For perpetuity. Until the End Of Time.

Naturally, being the presenter of the UK version of the show this is more than likely Davina's most fervent wish but my first reaction was "Oh God, is this nation never going to grow up and move away from reality TV smut and tawdriness? Are we forever going to be obsessed with the psychological ingrowing toenails of dysfunctional people who plainly do not know any better?"

Reality TV is the dark stain on the modern psyche. Some people are honest and just admit that they love it. Other people - people like me - profess to hate, loathe and despise it and yet eventually get sucked in. Even if only for a little bit.

It's impossible to ignore. The media goes wild for it. It's on the news, in the papers and, most insidious of all, in the workplace.

With a new series of Celebrity Big Brother about to hit the small screen I just know that the sole topic of conversation at work for the next month or so will be the luridly ridiculous shenanigans of the new series of CBB.

And although I'll resist at first eventually I will succumb and plunge into the whole tawdry circus because I will want to have an opinion.

And that, folks, is how it gets the likes of you and me.

Because suddenly we care. We care even though in three month's time we know that we won't care at all.

So I've come to the startling conclusion that Davina (God bless her) is right. Big Brother will run and run. We'll never be free of it. It's become as essential a component of modern living as the mobile phone. It's the norm. Like Christmas in fact. They'll soon start publishing the broadcast dates of future BB series on retail calendars that we can buy in the shops. There'll be Bank Holidays planned around it.

So if we're going to be stuck with it I've decided to throw my hat into the ring and offer some BB themed suggestions to any programme producers out there who might be reading this post this morning and are willing to take a punt or two in terms of hard ready cash to see them "realized" on TV.

1) I'd like to see a politician special. Just politicians. From all parties. But rather than having them cut off from the outside world I'd like them to be hardwired / bluetoothed to the outside world. I'd like them to continue working. I'd like them to continue working in an environment so transparent that not only can their opposing party counterparts see what they get up to but so can we. Now that would be a social experiment worth conducting surely?

Too dry? Too heavy? Try this...

2) How about all the presenters of CBeebies doing a CBB (CBeebiesCBB?) special? Chris Jarvis, Pui Fan Lee, Andy Day, Sidney Sloane all locked into the house with Mr Tumble for 3 agonizing months... Think of it. They're so pure and seemingly innocent when they're singing songs on Kid's Telly and putting their teddies to bed in the CBeebies studio every evening... but what and who will get put to bed after they've been holed up in the CBB house together for months on end? Will Pui wear her Tellytubbies costume and drive Mr Tumble wild with desire? (Eh oh?!) Will Chris Jarvis wear her cast-offs and fess up about his exact location on the nation's communal gaydar? Can they all really be that cheerful and chipper all of the time? We need to know!

Hmm. Too sleazy, perhaps? Too sick?

OK. A final punt then:

3) We dig up all of the long dead comedians and great entertainers of yesteryear - Eric Morecambe, Leonard Rossiter, Kenneth Williams, Frankie Howard, et al - and place their corrupting cadavers (or little urns - geddit?) in front of the cameras for 3 months and watch a show that will undoubtedly prove to be far more entertaining and edifying than the sad batch of Z list celeb wannabes that Channel 4 has currently got lined up for the new series of CBB this year.

I'm done.

I rest my case.

Oh and did I mention...? Happy New Year to you all!

Big Brother Aside

I can't say that Big Brother has at all gripped me this year but with Karen wanting to watch the occasional episode it's been near impossible not to get a little bit sucked in...

This season had been remarkably unnoteworthy apart from the following:

The Good Points:

1) Rachel Rice is the winner. I'm genuinely pleased that for once an ordinary, decent, pleasant, nice, unaffected kid without any bizarre idiosyncrasies has won the show. Let's hear it for normalcy!

The Bad Points:

1) Rex: the man is a nasty, bullying, smug, control freak. When he came out he looked like Bryan Adams dressed as Freddie Mercury. The only good line he ever came out with was "I'd swap you for Scrabble." However as it was directed at the lovely Rachel he loses any kudos points that he might have accrued.

2) Mikey's voice: he sounded like an dying elephant trying to fart a speculum sideways out of its prolapsed anus. Sorry for the grossness but I just couldnae tek nae more!

3) Mo: just what was the point of Mo? Anyone?

The Worst Point Of All:

1) Mario's tea-based sexual innuendo directed toward his partner, Lisa. "I'm just dipping this custard cream into this cup of hot... juicy tea..." Oh please! Somebody should have pointed out to him that his custard cream didn't even touch the sides...

Sigh. I'm going back to bed.

Photo Opportunity

This from Yahoo news this morning:

"Former Big Brother contestant Charley Uchea was threatened at gunpoint last night."

"Charley was attacked by four men who tried to carjack her Mercedes when she left nightclub Funky Buddha."

"A witness revealed that one man jumped on the bonnet of Charley's car while the others attacked her and her friend Sisi. The attackers then told the pair they were armed and would kill them if they didn't hand over the keys to the £35,000 car."

"Police escorted the 22 year old away in a police van and her car was taken to West End Central police station for further examination."

There you have it. Further proof that intelligence levels in this country are sinking to an all time low.

A man. A gun. And Charley "I'm a big BB mega star I am" Uchea.

The perfect opportunity and no one pulls the trigger.

Doh!

Packing Some Heat

Can I just point out that ordinarily I do not belong to a Heat Magazine reading household? It’s just that yesterday, on route to the dentist to sort out her troublesome tooth, Karen stopped off at a newsagents and picked up a copy to help take her mind off the awful ordeal ahead. Then once the magazine was brought into the house and left lying around I just happened – purely by chance – to glance into it.

As expected it was infested with endless drivel about Big Brother, D list celebrities, dieting fads and stories about unfeasibly amoral housewives with a penchant for PVC and bakelite.

Ok. I made up that last bit.

But one thing that did catch my eye and genuinely made me laugh was a Big Brother lookee-likee section.

There were the usual comparisons: Shabnam looking like Ken Dodd, Tracey looking like Sean Bean, etc.

But the best one of all was the revelation that Seany actually looks like Chunk from The Goonies...

Na-ha-ha-ha!

I can’t wait to see his Jabba impression...

Mind Your Language

It was only a few days ago that I was complaining about how lank and limp the current incarnation of Big Brother was... and then suddenly we have another huge racism row to entertain us!

Well. It was hardly huge and to my mind it was hardly entertaining.

Blonde starlet-wannabe (and self confessed most intelligent person in the house), Emily Parr was ignominiously booted out of the BB house yesterday for using the N word. And I’m not talking about “norks”, “nellies” or “nipple-clamps”.

Or “Nazi”.

Were the BB bosses right to act so harshly – no mercy and no quarter offered?

I’m not sure that they were. I think there is something of the freshly converted puritan in their knee-jerk reaction. Sure the word is offensive and Emily Parr deserves to be punished for her gross stupidity in uttering it... but immediate dismissal from the house?

Surely that’s using a sledge hammer to kill a fly?

Last year we witnessed sustained racially motivated attacks carried out on Shilpa Shetty over a period of several weeks – carried out by people who can said to be media au fait. They certainly should have known better. The BB bosses did very little to remedy the appalling situation that developed – too little too late at the time and, in terms of the begrudging apology that was broadcast at the start of this current series of BB, too little too late now.

The current housemates by comparison, for all they might come over all knowing and media-cool, are in fact grossly naïve and inexperienced both in relation to the fame world and to life itself. I’d argue that their level of culpability is slightly less than that of the likes of Jade Goodey, Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd, the three witches of the last BB series. I’d certainly argue that in the case of Emily Parr.

Some other form of punishment would have more than sufficed. An enforced wet t-shirt contest maybe? Or to be made to re-enact the famous restaurant scene in When Harry Met Sally... but completely naked? Coupled with a very public, very large, very genuine apology of course... and maybe have her up for eviction three weeks in a row? Let the public voice their opinion on the matter.

Her instant dismissal smacks of retrograde muscle flexing. She’s picking up the tab created by the previous racism row queens.

And wiping the Big Brother boss’s shared slate clean in the process.

And that isn’t fair at all.

BB Gun

It’s just not grabbing me. Not at all,

God knows I’m not a fan of Big Brother but I admit I enjoy the debate and outrage that it usually inspires in the nation. Whether it’s a worthwhile bona fide social experiment or not is not important. I just think it does the nation good to analyse itself occasionally and pull a few skeletons out of the wardrobe for a good airing. The Shilpa-gate racism row last year was a case in point.

This year though I feel a big fat nothing.

And that’s fat as opposed to phat.

Sure, Charley is getting on everybody’s Charley’s with her constant motor-mouthed bitching and her “I’m all that” ghetto-ho posturing... but compared to other years it barely registers a 1.5 on the old BB Controversy Metre. She’s a D-list wannabe. Her sights are set so low they barely protrude above the shag-pile. Who gives a stuff?

I do find her “famous people are my friends” stance hilariously funny though. No Charley, these people – these footballers – are not your friends. They don’t come to your house or ring you up. You stalk them. You throw yourself at them. You hover, you simper and you hope against hope that your jiggling boobies get you noticed. Personally, I’d find a pair of shin-pads infinitely more interesting to look at...

Even the arrival of Ziggy has done little to up the excitement factor. Ironically, if the BB bosses were hoping to put a pigeon among the cats what they actually got was an indolent, surprisingly socially astute lion who’s incessant urbanity seems to smooth the waves around him rather than crank them up to force 10. He’s like oil on water. Slick. Too slick.

What we need is someone to strike the match.

And worst of all there’s nobody in the house that I unreservedly like. There’s nobody to pitch for or come out fighting for. I really don’t care a brass farthing about any of them.

Either BB is growing stale or I’m growing old.

But. There is hope. As people have pointed out to me, it’s early days yet. The cat fur might yet be flying before the series grinds itself to a lip-glossed halt.

I just hope I can stay awake for that long.

Treble Trouble

This time every year Karen and I risk running into a truly rare thing in our house: a row over the television.

Karen wants to immediately plug herself straight into the Big Brother psycho-idiot Wii device while I come over all sneery eyed and superior and point out how shallow, superficial, trashy and chav-like the whole premise of the show is and demand to watch something more intellectual on the other side – in this case The Apprentice (the other side being another TV channel and not celestial telly from beyond the grave).

Ok so I was straining a bit on the “intellectual” front last night but you get the picture.

And this time every year the problem is resolved in exactly the same way as it always has been:

I give in. We watch Big Brother. And I end far more addicted and wound up about the show than Karen ever could be. To the point where my many opinions about the show start infiltrating my blog...

Oh poo.

Oh who am I kidding? I love it really.

And so on with my first impressions...

My God it’s going to be a cat house this year. At the moment my ears are appalled at the sheer amount of shrieking and screaming that all those teetering, screeching, lip-glossed dolly birds are producing. Especially the twins, Amanda and Sam. “Oh you’re gorgeous!” “NO! You’re gorgeous!” Ooh! Ooh! Eek! Eek! There’s too much treble! My ears can’t take it.

Christ. They sound like the mice from Bagpuss. Put a sock in it please. Or preferably a soggy old cloth cat. Just make it a big one.

My faves at the moment are Tracey “avin it large, yeah come an get sum, I’m well phat” Beaker (or whatever her real surname is) – mainly because she reminds me of a female cross between Prodigy front man, Keith Flint and the Tyres character from Spaced – and glum man-hating Nicky. I think The Nickster will be something of a dark horse.

Most frightening woman in the house is undoubtedly Carole who resembles the Viz character Millie Tant so closely I was also waiting for Mrs Brady Old Lady to appear... I can already foresee a host of BO based explosions rocking the foundations of not only the house itself but also all that caked on twenty-something make-up.

God I’m a bitch.

Channel Four need to get me in the house!

Apologies Expected

I’m not sure how I feel about the recent announcement that Channel 4 is to be forced to apologize no less than three times for last year’s Celebrity Big Brother racism row. Or Shilpa-gate as it’s come to be known.

Sure Channel 4 is culpable in some measure for how the whole debacle spiralled out of hand in the first place. They should have stepped in immediately and given warnings to Jade Goodey, Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd the minute they overstepped the mark. Let’s face it they’re always quick enough to step in when some of the petty BB house rules get broken. Nipping it in the bud early would have avoided the international row that then ensued, saved Shilpa Shetty from having to suffer such an abominable ordeal and (very low down on anyone’s list of priorities) possibly saved Jade, Jo and Danielle from career ruination.

But the people who really should be apologizing in my book are the three witches themselves. I think Channel 4 should get Jade, Jo and Danielle back into the studio to make some very public, very grovelling, very fulsome apologies. Nobody forced them to act the way they did and no matter how manipulative the BB bosses are there’s no evidence that they actively encouraged any of the racist behaviour.

As far as I’m concerned the buck stops with the bullies.

Make them pay!

And then burn them at the stake!

(Tune in next week to read my well articulated arguments to bring back the birch, the stocks, flogging, hanging and Madame Guillotine...)

The Spoils

I have to confess to feeling completely lacklustre this morning... Monday morning syndrome strikes again.

Nevertheless I feel it incumbent on me to comment upon the Celebrity Big Brother final that played out on the TV before the nation’s jaundiced eyes last night.

The only real surprise was Dirk scoring higher than Ian. Personally I really liked Dirk’s irascibility and his grouchiness. Obviously I must empathise in some way and share those same qualities myself (my wife is nodding)... though I’d prefer to think the affinity lies elsewhere, i.e. in my ability to adopt any disguise at whim and to construct tanks with exocet missile launchers out of old mopeds, washing up liquid bottles and dusty boxes of junk that people leave lying about in their garages. That and an Oedipal need to suck on a fat cigar like it was a woman’s teat.

Yeah, me and Dirk... we’re like bro’s.

Anyway, it was no surprise that Shilpa won and though part of me initially felt it was evidence of cynical manoeuvring on Channel 4’s part I nevertheless must admit that Shilpa was a worthy winner. Truly graceful, magnanimous and dignified as well as willing to put aside any hint of sourness and bad feeling. Though I’m sure the latter was out of an understandable desire to put as much distance between herself and the foul memory of Jade Goodey as humanly possible. It may be that once she’s had time to consider the full picture she’ll feel justifiably furious at her treatment by Jade, Jo and Danielle. Certainly it was heart rending to see how upset she got when confronted with a potted account of all that those three witches had done. Too much for the poor girl to take in, I suspect, though she needed to see it.

Cynicism aside, at the end of the day Shilpa’s victory at least gave out all the right signals about what the UK really stands for at its best...

As for its worst, I have to confess I enjoyed Danielle and Jack’s discomfort immensely. Bravo to Channel 4 for confronting them with the full impact of all they’d subjected Shilpa to. How they squirmed. I have to say though that, like Jade, at least Danielle accepted the wrongness of her actions immediately and looked genuinely ashamed. I still can’t get over the fact that Jo refused to accept her part in it during her exit interview on Friday. That will go badly against her, I’m sure.

I really hope that the careers of all three are in tatters. I wish I had the capacity for forgiveness and clemency that Jermaine and Shilpa so admirably exhibit but alas I don’t. So tough.

Am I glad that it’s all over? You bet.

Although it created much meat for many a good blog Karen and I are both of the opinion that it’s nice to have our viewing choices freed up once more. BB is rather a jealous god so it’s always nice when it’s hold on the nation loosens... in fact even last night we were Channel hopping to the Beeb to catch Richard Hammond’s very welcome return to Top Gear after his near fatal car crash late last year. It was good to see and the show was good-humouredly laced with loads of manly emotion and the kind of awkward, stiff-upper-lipped love that only exists between "real men". Ah what joy to behold.

Nice to see you back Richard.

Mirror Mirror

I don’t usually read the tabloids – in fact being a BBC News 24 fan I rarely read newspapers at all these days – but yesterday I happened to pick up my granddad’s copy of The Mirror while visiting him and I had a quick flick through.

Aside from being shocked at the total lack of newsworthiness of most of the dross that filled its pages I was mostly irritated by its front page story. Exhibiting the kind of ug-ug primitive irony that is normally found in the ham-fisted mitts of "politically aware" 13 year olds they’d drafted up a letter for the bosses of Big Brother to take to their Channel 4 board meeting this week. It simply said "RESIGN" in big letters.

Oh ho ho ho.

Now, I’ve been as vociferous as everybody else in condemning BB’s handling of the Shilpa-gate scandal (I really must copyright that) but I’m not arrogant enough to think I have the right to demand someone’s resignation.

I certainly don’t think that a newspaper has that right either. Excuse me, Mirror, report the news – don’t try to make it! When it comes to the decisions of other companies and people – butt out and stay out. Who put you in charge?

This whole BB thing has become a repulsive witch hunt. People are reacting now NOT out of a sense of outrage or genuine disgust but out of a sense of glee. Ooh who can we bring down now? Whose life can we thoroughly ruin for our own entertainment? Think of the newspaper and magazine sales!

It comes down to this: scandal sells – but only as long as the scandal lasts. Hence people in the media – the ones who are truly benefiting from this whole debacle – will be doing all they can to perpetuate the racism row until every last drop of blood is sucked out of Channel 4, Big brother, Jade, Danielle and Jo. And Shilpa too for that matter.

Personally I’ve had my fill.

Enough is enough.

Eggs Benedict

Have they learnt nothing from Jade’s eviction?

My God – just how thick can these people be?

It seems that we as a race always need someone to pick upon, victimize and bully. It’s a distasteful need to admit to but if Big Brother truly is a reflection of society then the proof is plainly there to see.

No sooner is Jade ousted from the BB house and the bullying of Shilpa dies down than the housemates choose a new target and a whole new round of bullying begins. This time the victim is Dirk Benedict. Phew – well at least there isn’t a racist angle this time, eh folks?

I’m not even sure quite why it started. Dirk flirted quite harmlessly with Shilpa – all taken in good fun and lasting little more than a couple of minutes – and suddenly Cleo Rocos is dressed up as a tart and is literally hounding Dirk all over the house pretending to leer and paw at him. Poor Dirk was trying to sleep on the sofa when it first started – hassling nobody. Even when Dirk made it plain he’d had enough still Cleo continued, her whole stance quite aggressive. I’m very very disappointed in her. It seems that she has a nasty side too.

As far as Cleo was concerned she was teaching Dirk a lesson – if he can give it out he ought to be able to take it too.

Excuse me?! Who appointed Cleo – or anyone else for that matter – the arbiter of public morals in the BB house? What right has anyone got to “teach” another person “a lesson”? What arrogance!

My own theory is that Cleo fancies Dirk and is feeling rejected by his attention to Shilpa. After all, it was Dirk’s flirting with Shilpa which seemed to kick all this off. Shilpa however was fine about it – no one needed to teach Dirk a lesson on her behalf. If anything Shilpa was rallying around to support Dirk – trying desperately to deflect Cleo’s attention away from him and later sitting with Dirk in the garden to make sure he was ok.

Hmm. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, eh, Cleo?

Worse was to come though – the giggling, school girl bullies, Jo and Danielle, proving that they’ve learnt absolutely nothing from Jade’s eviction, were back guffawing into their pillows and making snidey comments with Cleo in the bedroom while Dirk tried to sleep later that night. Here we go all over a-bloody-gain.

I don’t know about anyone else – but this constant bullying (it happens EVERY BB series) is starting to leave a permanently nasty taste in my mouth. Are we really that malicious and spiteful as a species?

BB and my own life experience suggests that maybe we are. I’ve even witnessed similar bullying occur in the office where I work. Seemingly it’s commonplace.

Sigh. But it ain’t right.

A Mite Jaded

So the “BB racism row” (as it is currently known in tabloid land) reached a climax of sorts last Friday with Jade Goodey being evicted from the house in disgrace. Hurrah!

I must admit, seeing Jade emerge to a muted and silent reception and then face quite an uncomfortable and unforgiving interview by Davina McCall (well, unforgiving by Davina’s standards) gave me quite a bit of satisfaction... at the time.

Now though, having lived with it for a few days, read the news articles about it, watched the news storm run itself ragged on the TV, my overall feeling is one of deep dissatisfaction and frustration.

My main feeling is that Jade’s biggest crime is stupidity. She is the victim of a thoroughly rough and ropey upbringing by Jackiey which has left her completely ill-equipped to deal with ordinary people in the ordinary world let alone “celebrities” and the celebrity world. You want evidence? Her comments about Shilpa were indisputably racist yet even after having them played back to her she was still just too stupid – genuinely so – to see that they were racist; her argument running along the lines of: look, when I was stabbing Shilpa with the knife I didn’t actually mean it in a stabbing kind of way I was just being nasty... Oh. Well that makes it alright then. Dopey effing cow.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t about to turn into a defence of Jade. Far from it. She, Jo and Danielle are nasty, vicious, vacuous bullies. Certainly they are all guilty of exhibiting offensive, racist behaviour towards Shilpa but I can’t help feeling that they have in some way been unfairly hung out to dry by Big Brother. Isn’t the racist guilt of the nation being unjustly dumped on their doorsteps? They’ve become scapegoats just to make the rest of us feel righteous and that just isn’t right. All three certainly deserve a good telling off but do they really deserve the full mass of global derision and hatred that is currently pouring in against them (and God knows I’ve been guilty of producing some of it)?

Jade plainly can’t cope with it given the floods of tears she’s doused various interviewers with since her eviction. But while she certainly deserves to feel bad and cry some real tears of shame I don’t think she deserves to be spat at in the street or lynched or made public enemy number one. Her crime was ignorance. That can be resolved given time. The same with Jo and Danielle. I don’t like either of them but I don’t want to see them both run into the ground by baying mobs of thugs who are “enjoying the kill” a little too much for it to be healthy. It won’t solve the racism problems of this country. It’ll just make half the nation feel superior for about five minutes and then everything will just carry on as normal.

Look at it this way: does Shilpa want the lives of Jade, Jo and Danielle to be permanently ruined? Definitely not. And as she is the injured party I think the rest of us should take our lead from her.

That doesn’t mean ignoring the problems of racism and bullying that this incident has highlighted. Far from it. Let’s stop burning effigies in the street and get some positive, fruitful dialogue going please.

Lastly, I can’t help feeling that for all they didn’t put those words into the mouths of Jade, Jo and Danielle, Big brother is ultimately culpable for this whole debacle. It could have been and should have been nipped in the bud long before things got this serious. If BB is happy to step in and intervene when its own petty game rules are broken then it should have taken a more responsible attitude to the housemates generally – people who are effectively in their care – and stopped all this nastiness before it went a step too far. That would have sent out hugely positive signals to all who were watching that bullying and bigotry will not be tolerated by this society.

Instead, they did too little too late and it now appears that racism and all its ensuing fall-out is merely a branch of the entertainment industry.

That is not good.

Big Bother

Big Brother update:

I was thoroughly repulsed by Jade’s vile temper last night. But what really sickened me was watching Danielle and Jo stifling idiotic giggles behind the sofa cushions like immature school girls whilst Jade subjected Shilpa to a tirade driven purely by her own xenophobic misconceptions and class insecurities. What an absolutely horrible coven of witches. For the entire duration of Jade’s baboon-like rant I found myself willing someone – anyone – to fill a bowl up with water and tip it all over Jade’s orang-utan shaped head, anything to shut her up.

Shilpa impresses me more every day with the strength and dignity she is showing by putting up with this kind of behaviour and not letting it grind her down. The Force is strong in this one. Unfortunately the three evil witches are making me ashamed to be British. The only consolation I have is knowing that they’re going to get a right royal kicking from the public once they’re ejected from the house. That and the knowledge that their respective careers are in tatters.

Mind you, what careers? Jo’s done eff all since S-Club 7 (thank God). Danielle is a shamed beauty queen and footballer’s wife wannabe and Jade... well, Shilpa was right. Jade IS only famous for being on BB. That and being as thick as the proverbial whale omelette. The truth hurts doesn’t it, Jade? They are the three sorriest excuses for celebrity status I have ever come across since... well, since Leo Sayer really. And that’s saying something.

As for the hoo-ha that their bullying has since engendered. The BB production team is obviously lapping it up. It could all have been nipped in the bud long before it erupted into this huge global melee (protests in India? my God!) but I did like the fact they got Danielle into the Diary Room and asked her to explain what she meant when she said that Shilpa ought to "eff off back home". Her pained expression was joyous to behold. You could practically see the penny dropping.

Yep. That’s right, girl. You’re in the do-do. Big Time.

One final point: I find the sudden interest from politicians in all the issues currently thrown up by BB blatantly transparent. Talk about commandeering the bandwagon! I find it truly amazing that it took the UK Government days and days to formerly condemn the way Saddam Hussein was executed yet they can comment on BB with an immediacy that must have popped their stomach ulcers with the speed of Leo Sayer whipping his underpants into and out of a laundrette. I guess slagging of the inherent racism of white trash scum is politically far safer than daring to suggest that Saddam’s execution was handled badly and has got the West’s hands even dirtier...

Pant Friction

News just in.

Apparently Quentin Tarantino is desperate to sign up Leo Sayer for his new movie: Pant Friction.

Early reports suggest that Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta have already agreed to play Leo’s turds...

Big Brother Quotes Of The Day 2

Jack: (after BB explained that all human embryos are female for the first few weeks of their existence) “What’s an envryo?” [sic]

Jade: after BB invited the housemates to submit a question that they’d always wanted to know the answer to, Jade came up with this corker - “How comes Eskimos don’t turn into human icey-cubes?” Even after being supplied with the answer Jade, like Jack, was still no wiser and requested that any Eskimos watching the show get in touch with her to explain things in more detail.

Jade, if you ever encountered an Eskimo he’d launch 5 harpoons into your back and be living off the blubber for the next 6 months. He’d also make a kayak out of your lips (and I am not referring to your kebab).


On another BB-centric note: I am not at all liking the bullying that Jo, Danielle and Jade are subjecting Shilpa to at the moment. This type of thing seems to occur every year... horrible little cliques striving to re-enact the Lord Of The Flies. Jo and Danielle are offensive in the extreme and have even been dipping their evil little toes into the rancid waters of racism. Meanwhile Jade is careering all over Shilpa's feelings like a tank being driven by a lobotomized chimpanzee... I’d like to see all three of them hoofed out of the house as soon as possible please.

Pants

Can’t deny it. I feel absolutely pants today. I’m suffering from a raging head cold and all its many accoutrements. All of which seem to be disgustingly snot based.

However, I bet I’m feeling a lot better than dopey dwarf, Leo Sayer, who comically slit the throat of his own already poorly career yesterday (surely a case of euthanasia?) by evacuating himself, little poo stylee, from the Big Brother house in high dudgeon all because BB refused to supply him with a clean pair of underpants.

Leo it seems refused to wash his own underpants on camera because it was “degrading”.

Hmm. It’s only degrading, Leo, if your grundies are horrifically spattered with turd-stains, haemorrhoid cream or spunk.

Or all three, of course.

Hmm. Is there anything you wish to come clean about, Mr Sayer?

Apparently not.

Not on camera anyway…

Beeb And Boobs

Beeb because I’m off to the BBC HQ in Coventry tonight, there to undergo my induction into the BBC’s highly vaunted Citizen Journalist programme. Yes, yours truly has been selected to be one of the BBC’s on-the-street unpaid reporters... me and 5000 others no doubt. But hey it’s a toe in the door and who knows where such an opportunity might lead?

My own radio show – Blake On The Beeb?
My own TV show – Blake On The Box?

Who knows!

And Boobs just because I’m completely mesmerized by the lovely Cleo Rocos on Big Brother. She’s worn very well, bless her, and still has the va-va-voom that filled my burgeoning pubescent thoughts with bouncy naughtiness. To top it all she’s genuinely a very lovely person too. Definitely still my favourite to win. Bookie’s favourite, Leo Sayer, on the other hand has fast turned into the most grumpy gnome in the garden centre and won’t last the distance in my humble opinion.

Hey maybe I could have my own radio show with the lovely Cleo? – Blake On The Boob?

The TV show title could stay as it is, I guess.

(All meant in the best possible taste...)

Big Brother Quotes Of The Day

Jermaine, referring to Shilpa's courageous attempts to get her relationship with Jackiey Goody onto a more diplomatic footing: "You can't reason with stupidity." - Positively zen, mate.

Jade, in a split second nullifying the last 200 years of scientific advancement: "Nobody knows how high the sky is do they? I mean, does it go on and on forever?" - Geez, you'd think NASA would have taken a slide rule or some sort of measuring device with them on one of their many space missions...

Rough As A Badger’s Arse

Despite staunch attempts not to let Big Brother commandeer my entire blog I find myself compelled yet again to compose another BB related entry.

All my snobby affectations are now thoroughly undercut. It’s official. I’m as hooked on BB as anybody else, admittedly for the sole purpose of sneering at the moral / social / intellectual ineptitude of other people, but hooked nonetheless.

And my God, talking of intellectual ineptitude on a grand scale… we now have the Goody’s in the Big Brother house. Alas not the 1970’s gibbon-esque funky funsters fronted by grumpy old twitcher, Bill Oddie, but Jade Goody and her slack-jawed boyfriend and her cosmetically unslack-boobed mother.

Effing hell and I thought Jade was bad. Jade (a voice that can strip paint at 400 yards and the cranial capacity of a used tissue) is a white trash Carol Vorderman when compared to her gravel-gobbed mother. Ma Goody is as rough as the proverbial badger that’s had a 40lb backpack strapped to its shoulders and been made to slide arse-first down a 250 metre waterslide lined with broken glass. Even poor Jermaine – usually so comatose his fellow housemates are wondering if BB brought in his Madame Tussaud’s waxwork by mistake – was so horrified by the Goody invasion that he considered leaving the BB house. Presumably very quietly and deferentially by the front door as opposed to rebelliously and spontaneously like Donny ‘Dorko’ who basically legged it up a drainpipe and over the roof Prisoner Cell Block H stylee. What a punk. Good man.

And if you thought Jade’s ma was gravelly at the top end that’s nothing to the foghorn-leghorn bugling that erupted from her kebab regions the first night in. I swear to God Jermaine turned white (Michael must have been green with envy). Shilpa must be wondering what scummy planet she’s crash landed on.

Ken Russell, however, seems to be taking it all in his stride. I guess there are benefits to being senile and having one foot in the grave. Bet you any money he’s planning a remake of his 1988 film The Lair Of The White Worm with Ma Goody reprising Amanda Donahoe’s role as Lady Sylvia Marsh…

Just hope they cut all the nude scenes… bleeurgh!

Big Brother? Who’s Bothered?

Very unwisely I tuned in to the launch of the new Celebrity Big Brother last night. Within minutes I wished that I hadn’t... and yet continued watching.

Just what IS the pull of this damned show? It’s like it exudes some form of electronic monosodium glutamate that keeps everyone going back for more no matter how sick of it we all are. That and the fact you can’t join in work conversations the next day unless you have the complete breakdown of the ridiculous BB events that occurred the night before.

Christ but they're a rum bunch of has-beens this year. Ken Russell looks like he’s suffering from dementia. Jermaine Jackson looked bewildered and totally freaked out by his housemates (you’d think he’d feel right at home really). And Danielle Lloyd thought that Winston Churchill was America’s first president. Geez-us!

The only housemate who gets my vote is Cleo Rocos. Mainly because I used to love the Kenny Everett Show as a kid and during its hey-day I developed a huge soft spot for Cleo. Well a huge hard spot actually. There is something about Cleo Rocos that is just made for skimpy French maid outfits. Well, there are two things about her really. Oh! Enough of this prurient banter!

Anyway the thing that has appalled me most is that Leo Sayer has been tipped as the bookies favourite. Leo frigging Sayer?!? Come on! He is the most annoying man on the planet. He has the most annoying hairstyle on the planet. He’s modelled himself on a 1970’s variety show microphone. He’s about as cool as ordering Saddam Hussein eyeball soup at a Sunni Muslim convention. Just check out the cover to one of his God-awful albums above. I mean pleeeeease. The only thing that pleases me about this picture is that I can easily imagine a shotgun wielding maniac off-camera at the bottom of the picture emptying both barrels into Leo’s midgety little guts and blasting him bodily up against the ceiling.

Yeah. Now I feel like dancin’...