The Tache Ten

Ten things you can do with the amazingly prehensile moustache of Dick Strawbridge, the Rex of Recycling on the BBC’s It’s Not Easy Being Green...

1) Weave the bristles into an amazingly robust kagoule that preserves body heat, protects against rain and allows you to strain homemade vegetable soup through the fabulously glossy fibres.

2) Wax, plait into spikes and imbed in the bottom of a freshly dug pit. Dick’s excellently nourished follicles are well known for having the strength to impale wild boars and grizzly bears upon the razor sharp points of their split ends.

3) Placed against a tree at an angle of 45 degrees Dick’s face curtain can be made into a makeshift bivouac when you are caught outside in the hostile elements unprepared. Dick’s heavy nasal breathing will also act as a comforting heat source. Be careful not to light a campfire though!

4) Carefully removed from Dick’s top lip and preserved in quick hardening resin the mighty moustache of manliness can be utilized as a highly effective boomerang. Not only will it break the neck of any passing kangaroo but it will also catch a shed load of witchetty grubs within its fur matting. A main course and dessert – what more could you ask for?

5) Finely chopped and added to a crucible containing iron ore, fired to a few thousand degrees Celsius and tempered in spring water for several days the resulting tensile-intensive blade can be worked and sharpened into an edge so sharp it can cut through the dimension of Time itself. It’s also great for skinning rabbits and paring fingernails.

6) Removed whole and the upper portion glued to a strip of elastic Dick’s hairy slug makes a quick and easy replacement for damaged or besmirched underpants. It fits all sizes and is completely unisex. Due to its patented maximum ventilation technology the Dick Pants will keep your bits and bobs cool and comfortable. Also doubles as a handy brush for the safe removal of winnits.

7) Chopped into half inch lengths and attached to a piece of chewing gum the resultant mini brush can be fastened to any handy vibrator to become a highly efficient electric toothbrush. Useful when pursuing a hot date or pitching product at a high powered business meeting when you’ve been foolhardy enough to have taken the garlic and onion salad option for lunch.

8) Mixed with mud and river clay, the resultant wattle and daub can be used to caulk damaged canoes, fishing boats and Trans-Atlantic cruise ships to protect them against water incursion, barnacle build up and terrorist attack. It is also guaranteed iceberg proof.

9) Diced in a Kenwood and added to a concoction of oysters, chocolate and Drambuie this highly potent potion will have the desired object of your lust eating out of your hand and wanting you to stroke them with your own bodily love follicles... simply add a couple of drops to a glass of wine or as the topping to a baked potato and your wicked way will be had. Hey, it works for Dick. Allegedly.

10) Feeling rather breast heavy? Super strength cantilevered endurance bra finally failed you? Simply tie the ends of Dick’s moustache together at the back of your neck and rest your nellies in the resultant bap hammock. The moustacho-bra can be removed from Dick’s top lip to make it more portable or if desired can be left attached so that Dick’s happy go-lucky mouth can act as a heatsink, thus keeping you cool as well as advising you on the best way to go green and save the environment as your boobs are transported safely and stylishly with you wherever you may chance to go. A similarly arranged nob hammock is currently at the testing stage of production.

Curtains For Dick

Dick Strawbridge must surely have the biggest moustache in the UK. It’s bristlingly humungous.

So humungous in fact I wouldn’t be surprised to see it part down the middle to reveal Tommy Trinder on the London Palladium stage shouting out good ol’ cockney rhyming gags about his mother-in-law getting her dumplings trapped in Mrs Rawlin's washboard at number 35.

I’m convinced that in an emergency Dick’s mighty moustache actually fans out 360 degrees around the central pivot of his nose to become a shiny conker-coloured radar dish that links up with his (homemade) GPS system and allows Dick to accurately pinpoint his exact whereabouts to within one hair follicle of his impressively groomed hair curtain.

Does the man sleep with his nose in a grow-bag? How the hell does he get his tache so big? I swear to God that in the new series of It’s Not Easy Being Green it appears to have grown another 2 foot in length. Any longer and Dick will turn into Cousin Itt from the Addams Family.

How does he kiss his wife? Does he have to pin it up behind his ears with hair-clips?

Despite – or maybe because of – Dick’s top-lip hirsuteness I find him incredibly engaging viewing. Most people know him from his incessant victories on Scrapheap Challenge; so constant was his success I believe that in the end the show’s producers had to ask him to stop entering so that other lesser mortals could stand a chance of winning occasionally. The man is undoubtedly a green gadget genius. And fair play to him, I say.

The only thing that genuinely puzzles me about Dick is how on earth an ex army Lieutenant Colonel with a fulsome military moustache can: (a) be so jolly, easy going, level-headed and humane and (b) have such a yoghurt-weaving, bangle-wearing, hippie peacenik family?

Does Dick’s moustache have holistic, world-healing powers that the Ministry of Defence doesn't know about?