Geeks?

Yesterday, terminal work boredom was relieved somewhat by a lovely email from my gorgeous wifey, Karen. Knowing I have a slight penchant for breakfast TV cleavage queen, Lorraine Kelly, Karen had supplied a link to a feature on MSN Entertainment about “Geek Chic”.

The feature, although not particularly in-depth, called us all to celebrate the oddballs and misfits of the celebrity world – the stars that we are “afraid to admit [we] fancy”. On the face of it this seems a great idea. Anything that bounces people out of the size zero hero-worship that taints modern society has got to be a good thing, right?

And yes, having scanned through the list of misfit celebrities there are plenty that can be termed geeks and misfits: David Gest, Louis Theroux, Jade Goody... I could go on.

But there are plenty on the list that I think are not geeks or misfits at all. They just don’t adhere to the stick-thin ethos of the media and fashion world. Lorraine Kelly, Fern Britton, Kirstie Allsopp – all highly attractive women (in my opinion) and eminently fanciable. Hubba hubba, etc.

So why does bucking the size zero trend automatically label you a geek? Or even a misfit? Why should I be ashamed to say that I think Lorraine Kelly or Kirstie Allsopp are attractive women? There are countless men (and women) out there who’d be glad to tickle Lorraine Kelly’s fancy on the GMTV sofa or give Kirstie Allsopp a quick look at their basement extension in the privacy of their own home... and they’d be damn proud to brag about it too.

And then it got me thinking about the rest of the list and at what point my opinion diverges from that of the author. Are David Gest, Louis Theroux and Jade Goody geeks just because I don’t fancy them? Or because the person who wrote the feature doesn’t? I mean I don’t fancy Catherine Zeta Jones or Keira Knightley either but does that make them geeks too?

If someone is attractive then they are attractive. End of story. There’s no shame in admitting this. And everybody is attractive to somebody. So who has the right to label somebody else a misfit?

If I get my kicks ogling Supernanny, Jo Frost or moist muffin maker, Nigella Lawson, shaking the bejasus out of a bawling brat or a homemade cocktail, so what? I like what I like. And that doesn't make anybody a misfit or even a non-misfit.

Wow. I actually started this entry with the intention of waxing lyrical about the impressiveness of Kirstie Allsopp’s commodious bosom and her rapier-like high heels but seem to have ascended instead into the higher realm of social comment...

Geez. Does this make me a geek?

Mind Your Language

It was only a few days ago that I was complaining about how lank and limp the current incarnation of Big Brother was... and then suddenly we have another huge racism row to entertain us!

Well. It was hardly huge and to my mind it was hardly entertaining.

Blonde starlet-wannabe (and self confessed most intelligent person in the house), Emily Parr was ignominiously booted out of the BB house yesterday for using the N word. And I’m not talking about “norks”, “nellies” or “nipple-clamps”.

Or “Nazi”.

Were the BB bosses right to act so harshly – no mercy and no quarter offered?

I’m not sure that they were. I think there is something of the freshly converted puritan in their knee-jerk reaction. Sure the word is offensive and Emily Parr deserves to be punished for her gross stupidity in uttering it... but immediate dismissal from the house?

Surely that’s using a sledge hammer to kill a fly?

Last year we witnessed sustained racially motivated attacks carried out on Shilpa Shetty over a period of several weeks – carried out by people who can said to be media au fait. They certainly should have known better. The BB bosses did very little to remedy the appalling situation that developed – too little too late at the time and, in terms of the begrudging apology that was broadcast at the start of this current series of BB, too little too late now.

The current housemates by comparison, for all they might come over all knowing and media-cool, are in fact grossly naïve and inexperienced both in relation to the fame world and to life itself. I’d argue that their level of culpability is slightly less than that of the likes of Jade Goodey, Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd, the three witches of the last BB series. I’d certainly argue that in the case of Emily Parr.

Some other form of punishment would have more than sufficed. An enforced wet t-shirt contest maybe? Or to be made to re-enact the famous restaurant scene in When Harry Met Sally... but completely naked? Coupled with a very public, very large, very genuine apology of course... and maybe have her up for eviction three weeks in a row? Let the public voice their opinion on the matter.

Her instant dismissal smacks of retrograde muscle flexing. She’s picking up the tab created by the previous racism row queens.

And wiping the Big Brother boss’s shared slate clean in the process.

And that isn’t fair at all.

Apologies Expected

I’m not sure how I feel about the recent announcement that Channel 4 is to be forced to apologize no less than three times for last year’s Celebrity Big Brother racism row. Or Shilpa-gate as it’s come to be known.

Sure Channel 4 is culpable in some measure for how the whole debacle spiralled out of hand in the first place. They should have stepped in immediately and given warnings to Jade Goodey, Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd the minute they overstepped the mark. Let’s face it they’re always quick enough to step in when some of the petty BB house rules get broken. Nipping it in the bud early would have avoided the international row that then ensued, saved Shilpa Shetty from having to suffer such an abominable ordeal and (very low down on anyone’s list of priorities) possibly saved Jade, Jo and Danielle from career ruination.

But the people who really should be apologizing in my book are the three witches themselves. I think Channel 4 should get Jade, Jo and Danielle back into the studio to make some very public, very grovelling, very fulsome apologies. Nobody forced them to act the way they did and no matter how manipulative the BB bosses are there’s no evidence that they actively encouraged any of the racist behaviour.

As far as I’m concerned the buck stops with the bullies.

Make them pay!

And then burn them at the stake!

(Tune in next week to read my well articulated arguments to bring back the birch, the stocks, flogging, hanging and Madame Guillotine...)

Kelly’s Heroes

Karen and I ended up debating the allure of GMTV presenter Lorraine Kelly last night - the reason being we’d just watched a repeated episode of Have I Got News For You – the one presented by Lorraine – on UKTV G2. I’d like to point out at this point that debating the merits or otherwise of breakfast TV presenters is not a normal pastime in our house.

Anyway Karen commented on the fact that, like an awful lot of men, I find Lorraine Kelly intriguingly attractive and I had to agree that there is something about her that a lot of guys seem to go for in a big way. But what exactly is it?

Having thought about it over night (oo-er) I think Lorraine’s attractiveness is based on a few key points.

1) First and foremost she IS actually a beautiful woman. Stunningly so. That alone will do it for most guys.

2) She’s giggly and funny – a huge plus in anybody’s book – and tied in with that is the fact that she obviously has an absolutely filthy sense of humour. That is always attractive. Yet she’s never coarse which is a repulsive trait in absolutely anybody (Jade Goodey take note).

3) Sure she’s a bit mumsy but she’s NOT mumsy in a pinafore, feather duster and stench of Mr Sheen kind of way. She’s mumsy in a MILF kind of way (pardon the expression) and that’s a BIG difference.

4) She’s also patently intelligent, quick witted and sensitive. All admirable traits I’m sure you’ll agree – you just cannot be great without them.

5) But the real reason – and I have acknowledged the truth of this to Karen’s face – is that (to quote an exemplary episode of Bottom) she has an absolutely "wazzo pair of jugs".

I’m sorry if this offends people. But it IS true and I suspect most guys tune into breakfast TV every morning for no other reason than to get their fix of Lorraine Kelly’s delectable cleavage swinging pendulously as she fidgets and giggles on the sofa.

Are we hetero guys really so shallow, superficial and so utterly predictable in our stimuli?

It seems that we are.

Even the Lorraine Kelly Appreciation Society uses the following as a tag-line on their site: "She [Lorraine] is on GMTV every morning, where she gives her male fans a glimpse of her shapely legs and her magnificent cleavage!!"

So there you go: Lorraine Kelly, folks... a woman of many talents and virtues which can yet so easily be whittled down to two.

But my God are they good ones.

The Spoils

I have to confess to feeling completely lacklustre this morning... Monday morning syndrome strikes again.

Nevertheless I feel it incumbent on me to comment upon the Celebrity Big Brother final that played out on the TV before the nation’s jaundiced eyes last night.

The only real surprise was Dirk scoring higher than Ian. Personally I really liked Dirk’s irascibility and his grouchiness. Obviously I must empathise in some way and share those same qualities myself (my wife is nodding)... though I’d prefer to think the affinity lies elsewhere, i.e. in my ability to adopt any disguise at whim and to construct tanks with exocet missile launchers out of old mopeds, washing up liquid bottles and dusty boxes of junk that people leave lying about in their garages. That and an Oedipal need to suck on a fat cigar like it was a woman’s teat.

Yeah, me and Dirk... we’re like bro’s.

Anyway, it was no surprise that Shilpa won and though part of me initially felt it was evidence of cynical manoeuvring on Channel 4’s part I nevertheless must admit that Shilpa was a worthy winner. Truly graceful, magnanimous and dignified as well as willing to put aside any hint of sourness and bad feeling. Though I’m sure the latter was out of an understandable desire to put as much distance between herself and the foul memory of Jade Goodey as humanly possible. It may be that once she’s had time to consider the full picture she’ll feel justifiably furious at her treatment by Jade, Jo and Danielle. Certainly it was heart rending to see how upset she got when confronted with a potted account of all that those three witches had done. Too much for the poor girl to take in, I suspect, though she needed to see it.

Cynicism aside, at the end of the day Shilpa’s victory at least gave out all the right signals about what the UK really stands for at its best...

As for its worst, I have to confess I enjoyed Danielle and Jack’s discomfort immensely. Bravo to Channel 4 for confronting them with the full impact of all they’d subjected Shilpa to. How they squirmed. I have to say though that, like Jade, at least Danielle accepted the wrongness of her actions immediately and looked genuinely ashamed. I still can’t get over the fact that Jo refused to accept her part in it during her exit interview on Friday. That will go badly against her, I’m sure.

I really hope that the careers of all three are in tatters. I wish I had the capacity for forgiveness and clemency that Jermaine and Shilpa so admirably exhibit but alas I don’t. So tough.

Am I glad that it’s all over? You bet.

Although it created much meat for many a good blog Karen and I are both of the opinion that it’s nice to have our viewing choices freed up once more. BB is rather a jealous god so it’s always nice when it’s hold on the nation loosens... in fact even last night we were Channel hopping to the Beeb to catch Richard Hammond’s very welcome return to Top Gear after his near fatal car crash late last year. It was good to see and the show was good-humouredly laced with loads of manly emotion and the kind of awkward, stiff-upper-lipped love that only exists between "real men". Ah what joy to behold.

Nice to see you back Richard.

Mirror Mirror

I don’t usually read the tabloids – in fact being a BBC News 24 fan I rarely read newspapers at all these days – but yesterday I happened to pick up my granddad’s copy of The Mirror while visiting him and I had a quick flick through.

Aside from being shocked at the total lack of newsworthiness of most of the dross that filled its pages I was mostly irritated by its front page story. Exhibiting the kind of ug-ug primitive irony that is normally found in the ham-fisted mitts of "politically aware" 13 year olds they’d drafted up a letter for the bosses of Big Brother to take to their Channel 4 board meeting this week. It simply said "RESIGN" in big letters.

Oh ho ho ho.

Now, I’ve been as vociferous as everybody else in condemning BB’s handling of the Shilpa-gate scandal (I really must copyright that) but I’m not arrogant enough to think I have the right to demand someone’s resignation.

I certainly don’t think that a newspaper has that right either. Excuse me, Mirror, report the news – don’t try to make it! When it comes to the decisions of other companies and people – butt out and stay out. Who put you in charge?

This whole BB thing has become a repulsive witch hunt. People are reacting now NOT out of a sense of outrage or genuine disgust but out of a sense of glee. Ooh who can we bring down now? Whose life can we thoroughly ruin for our own entertainment? Think of the newspaper and magazine sales!

It comes down to this: scandal sells – but only as long as the scandal lasts. Hence people in the media – the ones who are truly benefiting from this whole debacle – will be doing all they can to perpetuate the racism row until every last drop of blood is sucked out of Channel 4, Big brother, Jade, Danielle and Jo. And Shilpa too for that matter.

Personally I’ve had my fill.

Enough is enough.

A Mite Jaded

So the “BB racism row” (as it is currently known in tabloid land) reached a climax of sorts last Friday with Jade Goodey being evicted from the house in disgrace. Hurrah!

I must admit, seeing Jade emerge to a muted and silent reception and then face quite an uncomfortable and unforgiving interview by Davina McCall (well, unforgiving by Davina’s standards) gave me quite a bit of satisfaction... at the time.

Now though, having lived with it for a few days, read the news articles about it, watched the news storm run itself ragged on the TV, my overall feeling is one of deep dissatisfaction and frustration.

My main feeling is that Jade’s biggest crime is stupidity. She is the victim of a thoroughly rough and ropey upbringing by Jackiey which has left her completely ill-equipped to deal with ordinary people in the ordinary world let alone “celebrities” and the celebrity world. You want evidence? Her comments about Shilpa were indisputably racist yet even after having them played back to her she was still just too stupid – genuinely so – to see that they were racist; her argument running along the lines of: look, when I was stabbing Shilpa with the knife I didn’t actually mean it in a stabbing kind of way I was just being nasty... Oh. Well that makes it alright then. Dopey effing cow.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t about to turn into a defence of Jade. Far from it. She, Jo and Danielle are nasty, vicious, vacuous bullies. Certainly they are all guilty of exhibiting offensive, racist behaviour towards Shilpa but I can’t help feeling that they have in some way been unfairly hung out to dry by Big Brother. Isn’t the racist guilt of the nation being unjustly dumped on their doorsteps? They’ve become scapegoats just to make the rest of us feel righteous and that just isn’t right. All three certainly deserve a good telling off but do they really deserve the full mass of global derision and hatred that is currently pouring in against them (and God knows I’ve been guilty of producing some of it)?

Jade plainly can’t cope with it given the floods of tears she’s doused various interviewers with since her eviction. But while she certainly deserves to feel bad and cry some real tears of shame I don’t think she deserves to be spat at in the street or lynched or made public enemy number one. Her crime was ignorance. That can be resolved given time. The same with Jo and Danielle. I don’t like either of them but I don’t want to see them both run into the ground by baying mobs of thugs who are “enjoying the kill” a little too much for it to be healthy. It won’t solve the racism problems of this country. It’ll just make half the nation feel superior for about five minutes and then everything will just carry on as normal.

Look at it this way: does Shilpa want the lives of Jade, Jo and Danielle to be permanently ruined? Definitely not. And as she is the injured party I think the rest of us should take our lead from her.

That doesn’t mean ignoring the problems of racism and bullying that this incident has highlighted. Far from it. Let’s stop burning effigies in the street and get some positive, fruitful dialogue going please.

Lastly, I can’t help feeling that for all they didn’t put those words into the mouths of Jade, Jo and Danielle, Big brother is ultimately culpable for this whole debacle. It could have been and should have been nipped in the bud long before things got this serious. If BB is happy to step in and intervene when its own petty game rules are broken then it should have taken a more responsible attitude to the housemates generally – people who are effectively in their care – and stopped all this nastiness before it went a step too far. That would have sent out hugely positive signals to all who were watching that bullying and bigotry will not be tolerated by this society.

Instead, they did too little too late and it now appears that racism and all its ensuing fall-out is merely a branch of the entertainment industry.

That is not good.

Big Bother

Big Brother update:

I was thoroughly repulsed by Jade’s vile temper last night. But what really sickened me was watching Danielle and Jo stifling idiotic giggles behind the sofa cushions like immature school girls whilst Jade subjected Shilpa to a tirade driven purely by her own xenophobic misconceptions and class insecurities. What an absolutely horrible coven of witches. For the entire duration of Jade’s baboon-like rant I found myself willing someone – anyone – to fill a bowl up with water and tip it all over Jade’s orang-utan shaped head, anything to shut her up.

Shilpa impresses me more every day with the strength and dignity she is showing by putting up with this kind of behaviour and not letting it grind her down. The Force is strong in this one. Unfortunately the three evil witches are making me ashamed to be British. The only consolation I have is knowing that they’re going to get a right royal kicking from the public once they’re ejected from the house. That and the knowledge that their respective careers are in tatters.

Mind you, what careers? Jo’s done eff all since S-Club 7 (thank God). Danielle is a shamed beauty queen and footballer’s wife wannabe and Jade... well, Shilpa was right. Jade IS only famous for being on BB. That and being as thick as the proverbial whale omelette. The truth hurts doesn’t it, Jade? They are the three sorriest excuses for celebrity status I have ever come across since... well, since Leo Sayer really. And that’s saying something.

As for the hoo-ha that their bullying has since engendered. The BB production team is obviously lapping it up. It could all have been nipped in the bud long before it erupted into this huge global melee (protests in India? my God!) but I did like the fact they got Danielle into the Diary Room and asked her to explain what she meant when she said that Shilpa ought to "eff off back home". Her pained expression was joyous to behold. You could practically see the penny dropping.

Yep. That’s right, girl. You’re in the do-do. Big Time.

One final point: I find the sudden interest from politicians in all the issues currently thrown up by BB blatantly transparent. Talk about commandeering the bandwagon! I find it truly amazing that it took the UK Government days and days to formerly condemn the way Saddam Hussein was executed yet they can comment on BB with an immediacy that must have popped their stomach ulcers with the speed of Leo Sayer whipping his underpants into and out of a laundrette. I guess slagging of the inherent racism of white trash scum is politically far safer than daring to suggest that Saddam’s execution was handled badly and has got the West’s hands even dirtier...

Big Brother Quotes Of The Day 2

Jack: (after BB explained that all human embryos are female for the first few weeks of their existence) “What’s an envryo?” [sic]

Jade: after BB invited the housemates to submit a question that they’d always wanted to know the answer to, Jade came up with this corker - “How comes Eskimos don’t turn into human icey-cubes?” Even after being supplied with the answer Jade, like Jack, was still no wiser and requested that any Eskimos watching the show get in touch with her to explain things in more detail.

Jade, if you ever encountered an Eskimo he’d launch 5 harpoons into your back and be living off the blubber for the next 6 months. He’d also make a kayak out of your lips (and I am not referring to your kebab).


On another BB-centric note: I am not at all liking the bullying that Jo, Danielle and Jade are subjecting Shilpa to at the moment. This type of thing seems to occur every year... horrible little cliques striving to re-enact the Lord Of The Flies. Jo and Danielle are offensive in the extreme and have even been dipping their evil little toes into the rancid waters of racism. Meanwhile Jade is careering all over Shilpa's feelings like a tank being driven by a lobotomized chimpanzee... I’d like to see all three of them hoofed out of the house as soon as possible please.

Big Brother Quotes Of The Day

Jermaine, referring to Shilpa's courageous attempts to get her relationship with Jackiey Goody onto a more diplomatic footing: "You can't reason with stupidity." - Positively zen, mate.

Jade, in a split second nullifying the last 200 years of scientific advancement: "Nobody knows how high the sky is do they? I mean, does it go on and on forever?" - Geez, you'd think NASA would have taken a slide rule or some sort of measuring device with them on one of their many space missions...

Rough As A Badger’s Arse

Despite staunch attempts not to let Big Brother commandeer my entire blog I find myself compelled yet again to compose another BB related entry.

All my snobby affectations are now thoroughly undercut. It’s official. I’m as hooked on BB as anybody else, admittedly for the sole purpose of sneering at the moral / social / intellectual ineptitude of other people, but hooked nonetheless.

And my God, talking of intellectual ineptitude on a grand scale… we now have the Goody’s in the Big Brother house. Alas not the 1970’s gibbon-esque funky funsters fronted by grumpy old twitcher, Bill Oddie, but Jade Goody and her slack-jawed boyfriend and her cosmetically unslack-boobed mother.

Effing hell and I thought Jade was bad. Jade (a voice that can strip paint at 400 yards and the cranial capacity of a used tissue) is a white trash Carol Vorderman when compared to her gravel-gobbed mother. Ma Goody is as rough as the proverbial badger that’s had a 40lb backpack strapped to its shoulders and been made to slide arse-first down a 250 metre waterslide lined with broken glass. Even poor Jermaine – usually so comatose his fellow housemates are wondering if BB brought in his Madame Tussaud’s waxwork by mistake – was so horrified by the Goody invasion that he considered leaving the BB house. Presumably very quietly and deferentially by the front door as opposed to rebelliously and spontaneously like Donny ‘Dorko’ who basically legged it up a drainpipe and over the roof Prisoner Cell Block H stylee. What a punk. Good man.

And if you thought Jade’s ma was gravelly at the top end that’s nothing to the foghorn-leghorn bugling that erupted from her kebab regions the first night in. I swear to God Jermaine turned white (Michael must have been green with envy). Shilpa must be wondering what scummy planet she’s crash landed on.

Ken Russell, however, seems to be taking it all in his stride. I guess there are benefits to being senile and having one foot in the grave. Bet you any money he’s planning a remake of his 1988 film The Lair Of The White Worm with Ma Goody reprising Amanda Donahoe’s role as Lady Sylvia Marsh…

Just hope they cut all the nude scenes… bleeurgh!