Licked Into Shape

I must confess to feeling a mite churlish after my rant about Lil Chris yesterday. Further research has proven that the kid is only about 16 and apparently was a winning contestant on Gene Simmons' Rock School.

Geez.

Being licked into shape by Gene Simmons' prehensile tongue live on TV is surely punishment enough.

Knowing that an aging rock star’s tongue is bigger than you are is just rubbing salt into the wound...

Lil Chris

I have found my nemesis.

Inserted amongst the usual array of hard sell Christmas advertising that peppered my TV viewing like buckshot in a poacher’s arse this morning was an advert for the new album by Lil Chris.

Jesus Christ.

I could not believe what I was seeing.

It was B-A-D. Very B-A-D.

Imagine a pint-sized Eminem. No scrub that. Imagine a syringe-sized Eminem. With a face like a shaved chimpanzee singing ludicrously manufactured street-rawk lyrics with all the embarrassing ‘tude and posturing that a pre-pubescent public school brat can muster.

Then add to that a penchant for gurning that would see him welcomed into the main tent of any low-brow Cornish fair or onto the set of any dodgy low-budget porno movie...

...and you have the singular phenomenon that is Lil Chris. Follow the link. He even has his own web site – all cynically flash and corporate looking. Someone has obviously spent a lot of money manufacturing the Lil Chris image.

The trouble is it is so obviously manufactured it’s laughable. I just can’t think of any target audience that would be stupid enough to fall for it:-

Adults? No way. Every adult I’ve approached regarding Lil Crisp responds which much the same derision and contempt that marinates this blog on a daily basis.

Teen girls? Surely not. Lil Git just isn’t cute enough or cuddly enough. He’s a typical slugs and snails type of boy. And he looks sweaty and smelly. Not in a rugged beefcake kind of way but in an unwashed skateboarder kind of way. Ee-euw!

Teen boys? Ha ha ha! Don’t make me laugh. What self respecting teen boy is going to admit to being into Lil Chris? You may as well wear a sign over your head telling people you want to be bullied for the rest of your school career. If not your life.

So that leaves the under 10's and those with learning difficulties. Great. What an admirably discerning fan-base Lil Clit must have.

Which brings me finally onto poor Lil Chris himself... Aw, bless. He’s going to spend the rest of his life suffering from terminal embarrassment, forever regretting whatever madness caused him to sell his soul and all his future street credibility to some faceless music corporation in exchange for some quick cash and the new Playstation 3. And he’s never going to get any love-action. Ever.

I mean what self respecting woman is going to be physically interested in a guy known as Lil Chris?

Snow White?